kodok-hada

kodok-han amélie...that is how I got to know the word...and yes I got to love this word because it had been used in association with amélie and she is just so lovable... there ain´t no way u do not wanna be like her...
but the more u think about it...the more u realize...this being kodok-hada...is kind of ...well let´s describe it by a word...isn´t it a kind of escapism?

escaping from being lonely, from experiencing the feeling of loneliness, escaping from getting hurt, getting dumped, possibly being loved by someone thus escaping from this huge responsibility... escaping from responsibility...yes I guess that might be the main point about this whole kodok-han thing...

if u were all an your own then u would not have to justify yourself in front of other people... wouldn´t that be great? not having to care about what impact your actions might trigger out...

but hey... I guess that is just a farce... if there were no one caring for you and possibily judging what u do...all u do would make no sense...
would u wanna live on your own...what if u were the only person on earth? would u wanna be beautiful...would u care about your outer appearance if there was no one to judge about it? would u care about being stupid? if there was not anyone to test your skills?

I know... we should live for ourselves and not care about what other people might think about us...
but no one.... no one is free from it...
but that´s ok otherwise life would be pretty boring...

sometimes I hate myself for caring too much about what people might think about my actions... even though it seems as if I did not give a damn... because I lack words...because I tend not to communicate whenever I feel down...I just carry on with my normal life by pretending not to care even though hell yeah I do...and while I am living, breathing, working, laughing, hanging with friends...my head is still thinking about it.... and here we go again...the main problem is head and heart...in correlation with us human beings... both of em keep on telling each other what to do... so we end up not knowing where to go...

I love my heart, but I hate my head...